Audition Monologues

A printable PDF version can be found here.

Deloris Van Cartier

Hello Philadelphia! Give a hometown girl welcome to me, Deloris Van Cartier! As in Cartier’s. Thanks for letting me audition Curtis. You like that, baby? And watch this. I call it the “Curtis” (performs signature dance move) We gotta make him love it girls! And just when the crowd is going crazy, Curtis, I’ll bring it home. What did you think Curtis?…So can I sing in your club?… But Curtis you promised me! But everybody is getting discovered- and I’m getting nowhere fast. Maybe I should try someplace else….Goodbye Curtis Jackson. I don’t need your club, I don’t need your blue fur, and I don’t need you. (Sees Ernie shot dead and screams)……I…saw nothing. Just now. Just a whole mess of nothing. Oh look Ernie is taking a little nap so he can go to some after parties later. A little disco nap. Shhhhhhhhhhh. We mustn’t wake Ernie. I’ll just tiptoe out of here and see what else my fur goes with. See….I’m just gonna slide on outta here. Again, saw nothing. Nothing.

Mother Superior

Dear Lord, if this is a test, I cannot fail with you by my side. May she be of faith, of modesty (pauses hearing Deloris)…Perhaps the choir of angels drowned me out and you didn’t hear me lord. Faith, modesty…(sigh) I suppose if it must be, then it must be…These are my rules. You will stay in your room. When you are not in your room, you will behave as a nun. Do you know how a nun behaves? You will only come out of your room for meals or prayer- do you pray, child? This is a different world you enter now. Behind these walls we live a life of adoration and grace. This is a sanctuary. Miss Van Cartier, as long as you reside here, you must divest yourself of all worldly possessions. Is that clear? Now when you leave your room you must wear this habit…we have worn this since the fourteenth century. It does not cry out for accessories. Sisters- allow me to introduce you to our newest member, Sister Mary…Clarence. Named for St. Clarincie of Vienne. The patron saint of prisoners everywhere.

Sister Mary

Christmas Day. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling real joyful. And triumphant. Don’t you just love Christmas. CHRIST IS BORN! Sister Mary Clarence- I just want to say welcome to Queen of Angels. Sisters! Perhaps a ritualized fast would help Sister Mary Clarence understand the measure of her devotion. A fast, now we’re talking. Who else but a nun gets to fast? Mary Clarence, what’s your favorite part of being a nun?…Come on! There’s so much to choose from! The joy of waking up at four a.m. The thrill of meditating all day long. Reading scripture til’ your eyes begin to glaze! Basking in the magic of your fav’rite Latin phrase. Consuming holy wafers by the ton. Yum!…I hope that dreadful noise doesn’t keep you up all night…From that bar. Oh it’s an awful place. With cigarette smoke…alcohol….Cheese Steaks….Must be how Protestants feel.

Monsignor O’hara

So- Welcome to you, the few. The last remaining Christians in the Tri-State area. Now for our musical offering, the sisters shall sing for us. It is my understanding that the group will be under the musical direction of Sister Mary Clarence. Well- she can’t ruin it….Why sisters! That was absolutely lovely! WHAT is this music? I’ve never heard it before. It soothes the soul. It makes me whole. It’s like the Balm in Gilead. I still don’t know what that means!…Stop at once? Oh yes yes…yes…oo I kinda like this part! People your vibrations are beautiful. I gotta tell ya, this is a really big tabernacle and you are filling it with a lot of love right now. Our sisters have worked up a nutty little number her which we think is really really special…Mother Superior, people are hearing the music and coming in off the streets. They are throwing money into the collection. This is a success!!

Officer Eddie Southner

Who killed who? Ernie Williams got killed? He was our best informant. I bet Curtis Jackson killed him. Damnit. (Hits hand on desk) Ow! Look Doris. Deloris. Curtis Jackson needs to be put away. We’ve been working on this case for over a year. We got a lotta hidden film on him and you’re not safe. If you saw Ernie get killed, you need protection and there’s no protection like the Philadelphia police department. We need to hide you. Here’s a picture of the last guy who talked. Or what’s left of him. Look. You gotta be our witness. Deloris, Curtis will kill you. We need you to testify so we can put him away…We need a place he’d never think to look. And we gotta disguise you. Wait a minute. I got the perfect place. It’s not much but you’ll be safe here. I’m just doing what any good cop would do. You’ll stay here, hide in this convent, and be inconspicuous.

Curtis Jackson/ Thug

Okay, okay, okay, okay! Baby, you look good, you move good, you sound good….You’re not ready to sing in my club. I promised you I’d think about. Look Deloris, we are not goofin’ around here like when I found you at McDonald’s. Patience….Try someplace else? What are you talkin about? Where you gonna go without me, Baby? I will open those doors when you are ready. I will make it happen (dismissing her) …Gentlemen, we have a quick meeting. Oh I got a special place for you Ernie. But first- I know how you love a joke. Knock Knock…(pulls out pistol) What were you doing for four hours at the police station this afternoon talking to an officer Eddie Southner? One of my boy’s been talking to the cops and my gut tells me it was you Ernie. Joey? TJ? Pablo? So it wasn’t any of you. Huh. Well I guess I just gotta go with my gut…(Shoots Ernie) Deloris, baby…Deloris you’re causing me all kinds of bother. You’re a joke. You’ll never be nothing. Not without me…Bring her back. I think it’s time for us to have a little talk….if she doesn’t want to come back…kill her.